Go all in ...

Alex Santiago DiBiaso graduated from high school in 1992. Those who have been around Parker for a while will recall that she was part of our great college counseling team a few years back.

Alex has been a faithful reader of the 650 blog from the beginning. Early on she said she might have something to contribute; I said “Great!” which is my standard response.

Ten months passed. I figured she had forgotten. I think I had, too.

But, no. Alex hadn’t forgotten. She was just gathering her thoughts all that time. As someone who has worked with young people going through the college process in a variety of ways for a long while, she had a lot of ideas about the kinds of issues that are typically addressed in this space. She stopped and started her post several times. She considered and reconsidered her own experience. She had a lot of advice to offer, but she couldn’t decide which of it was most important or valuable.

Alex solved this dilemma by following her own best advice (#1 below): GO ALL IN. Alex goes all in here by offering up her best advice about surviving high school “with your soul intact” in the form of a comprehensive, reflective, and often-times very funny top ten list.

Alex went to Syracuse University, where she graduated Cum Laude in Psych and Child & Family Studies. After graduating she worked in banking in Wilmington, event planning in New York, public relations for pro lacrosse in Baltimore, DC, and Denver. She moved to Philly (Ivy League admissions office), San Diego (Parker College Counseling), and back to New York (consulting).

“Then 6 years ago,” she said, “I settled in the Hamptons, got a new job, bought an old house, lost a sick parent, had a second baby, and turned 40. All in one year. I found that I liked life better with a garden and sand in my hair and accepted the blur of the gypsy life, college essays and motherhood. Now, I coach little girls lacrosse, manage a greenhouse, take too many pictures, read books, edit college essays and first, most and always I am a mama to two beautiful little girls.”

Alex’s post is about a lot of things. “My post is about everything I’ve learned from all the wonderful students I've known, all the talented educators I've met, all the best I’ll-advised adventures I've had, perfectly imperfect places I’ve been, and the beautiful messes I've made along the way.”

- C.H.

Advising high school students is what I’ve spent the better part of the last 10+ years doing so it is both ironic and telling that I have struggled with how to respond and approach this particular opportunity… the fact that this is my 3rd response shows how much there could be to say – but then again I’ve never been short on words. I’m a child of the 80’s. A latchkey kid, I grew up before the internet and email and most of the damage of the Baby Boomer generation even seemed possible. I’ve had the privilege of rarely fitting in anywhere, something I’ve come to see the value in the longer I live.

I’ve read tens of thousands of college essays from students from all corners of the world for every kind of college about the experiences, decisions and dialog of students and life in this process and time. I find the successes and ultimately the stumbles of life – given enough time and reflection, always feel intensely individual, are almost completely universal and are rarely avoidable. Learning is that way. Hell, life is that way. How do we figure out before we figure it out? There are more than a few eternal questions in there. Every writer, stoner, philosopher and artist’s struggle is rooted in it.

Those of us who are a lifetime or more away from those 4 years of high school and college may simultaneously struggle to recall the intensity while romanticizing the good, bad & ugly that defines it. That too is life. Some of the best 80’s movies are based on that very premise. (Thank you John Hughes) But my kids are now closer to college than I am from it by 2.5 times over, but as I spend more days than I can count with students in the heat of this mess, the struggle is real. I know what I know and I am compelled to share. Maybe it will spare someone some agony? Maybe it will make their journey a little more joyful?

Having earned many of the badges of cultural success and failure that is American life – it’s hard to remain unjaded. It’s the nature of reflection to want to impart some wisdom and so, here it is.

Like any good kid of the 80’s – there’s only one form it could take.

My top 10 on How to Survive High School and Get into College With your Soul Intact.

1. GO ALL IN. Start, stop, go, quit, push on, let go. Confused?? That’s ok. Say yes, well unless you need to say no. It’s scary, ok. So what? Scary is underappreciated. Let your freak flag fly. Just do it. Whatever IT is - jump in, say YES or say NO!) but most of all – Say something and mean it. Own it. TRY. Try anything, try everything, try as hard as you can until it’s time to try something else. Try more than is comfortable until you find that what used to make you uncomfortable no longer bothers you anymore. Challenge yourself to LIKE being uncomfortable – we are creatures of habit after all. You’ll be amazed at how far that takes you.

After decades of practicing hot yoga, I now crave sweating from my eyelids. Your brain can literally do nothing else when working out in 104 degrees. It’s insane - until you do it, again and again. Suddenly you realize you’ve pushed your body, your mind and arguably your soul into being better than it was before. For you it may not be yoga, you may surf, garden, climb, knit, skate. Find your edge, know a higher plane. Hippy Dippy Shit I know, but it’s true.

2. YOU CAN ALWAYS GO HOME. I’ve live by this motto. I’ve lived all over the country and travelled the world. I believe life is better when we travel. We are better for seeing the wonders of this world first hand. Be smart and be safe and when there’s an opportunity – get out of your head, get out of your own way and do the thing. Do what you want and if you don’t know what that is yet, try out what you think you like or need, try as much as you can - ESPECIALLY the things that scare you. Get out there, you can always go home.

3. THE MAGIC OF LESSONS. My Dad told me that you learn as much from the job you don’t like as the one that you do. Perhaps that was just his way of trying to keep me from quitting my summer gig, but I’ve found it to be true. The things that truly serve you in this life rarely happen when you are looking for them. Magic lives in the dark corners, the good stuff rarely reveals itself quickly or easily… take a chance. There are limits, respect them. Know when to make exceptions. I’ve found that what doesn’t kill you will show you how strong you are… or something like that.

4. LISTEN. Hear those around you. If you can’t listen now, write it down, make a video. Cell phones are handy little things, use ‘em. Your parents, grandparents, friends, teachers, the family you find when the one you have isn’t what it should be – they all have things you can learn from. If you can’t see what it is now, give them the benefit of the doubt. Be your own version of Adam from the Goldberg’s and record those inane moments for later. One day you’ll be thankful. You are surrounded by incredible people, you may not know it yet but everyone has a place in your story. They are either a blessing or a lesson or both – why not find out?

5. THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED. High school is filled to the brim with people following the expected path. Out of obligation or fear, righteousness or love, conflict or even lack of a better plan – some people assume the only steps worth taking are those well worn or with clear instructions. But I’ve come to appreciate that the best of what this life has to offer tends to lie just outside the lines. The squinting to see the unexpected. The haze before dawn. Novels have been written on this but it bears repeating, find your path and you will find your tribe. They will guide you when you’re lost and make you smile.

I’ve had students choose colleges by their distance from good surf breaks. You can imagine the reaction it got, but I thought it was one of the most brilliant things I’ve seen, at least for those kids. To know what it is that fuels and refuels your life (see #1) – and to recognize at 17 what you need to truly live, that is power and powerful. It’s not for everyone and the fact that those choices were not only accepted but celebrated by the parents of those students says even more.

6. LET THE LIGHT IN. So many people want to tell their younger selves to be more or less, to be safe, take risks, to be more right, more open – but all hindsight feels silly when you are just trying to exist. It will always be true that for some people that really seem similar, that advice can be enough. Some. I’ve never really been a fan of some. It’s so – not enough. For many, be it timing or the messenger – it is just not possible. If that’s you, think about why. What’s keeping you from it? If you are giving everything you have to surviving every day, any well-intentioned suggestions will fall short. If you are waging a silent war – on yourself or with some unseen villain, without anyone knowing – the window for insight is really quite narrow. You just can’t hear anything when you are screaming in your own head. I know what that sounds like and I’ve seen it in the eyes of students sitting across from me. One of the hardest things is believing the terrible story you told yourself isn’t true. It means there’s nothing in your way and that freedom can be as overwhelming as the demons you fear. I will say this, take a chance and speak up. People will surprise you and the worst you imagine alone in the dark, rarely holds true in the light of day. When the worst does happen, Breath deep, find someone and ask for help. Tragedy is easier when shared.

7. DO THE EXTRA CREDIT. The teachers we remember are never the regular ones, never the traditional, rarely rule followers. They rarely fit in and are often impossible to imagine having ever been under 30 years old. Maybe they were born old? Maybe just old souls making another appearance? More than anything, they own their weird in an enviable way. (Parker has the incredible benefit of an overabundance of these folks. It’s what’s makes the school so special for so many.) Great literature that you finally begin to really explore in high school and college is filled with these characters. You love them, you hate them, you must write endlessly about them until you don’t know that there could be a time in your life where you could miss this kind of critical analysis. Apply this to those teachers around you. Learn to see them, allow their experience, advice and knowledge to reach the dark corners of your tortured teenage heart and caffeine-riddled mind. It’s easier to keep people one dimensional but those who force you to see them as something else, something more - who make you recognize that life is more, they leave their mark on you. Let them. The best books I read in High school were assigned by a science teacher for extra credit.

8. THE JOURNEY IS THE POINT. Not to be melodramatic, I know it’s somewhat hard to believe but this is it. This is life.

Sometimes beautiful, occasionally boring, usually messy and rarely what you want when you want it with a possible side of a fucking dumpster fire attached to the back of a rollercoaster you’re on… For better or worse, you’re only 17 once. It’s not that there’s some big list being checked off for you somewhere – okay, well, there may be lists, lots of them if you’re like me. I love a good list. But the reason for the lists, the idea that by doing these things you are guaranteed something… It’s just not how it works. So you need to know WHY you are doing the things you do. Think about what you hope to get out of all this, whether it’s high school or college or piano lessons and then decide if you are making choices that make sense. This journey is all you’ve got. So, the idea of not living the best you’ve got right now - to squeeze in another hour of some bullshit - that’s just silly. Now this is not an excuse to not do your geometry. Sometimes the lesson is that you have to do shit because we live with systems that require things from us that we don’t like. Homework for example – well, unless you move to Sweden, then you are in luck! But the point is to keep the ups and downs in perspective. For some this time is straight up Happy Days shit, but for too many people, high school sucks… all that expectation, all those stereotypes, too much pretending. Regardless of where you fall on this spectrum, just know it’s okay. With or without your lists… At 17 or 27 or 47 - The journey is the point, so get on with it.

9. WAIT 5 MINUTES. I used to live in Syracuse, New York and the weather was terrible. East of the great lakes, crazy storms would come out of nowhere. Huge hail and torrential rain would come out of nowhere and the temperature would drop 20 degrees in the time it took to go to a class. Next thing you know the sun would come out. We had brutal cold winters followed immediately by intolerable humid heat and back again. Silly right? The locals used to joke, if you don’t like the weather, wait 5 minutes. High school is a lot like that.

10. DOES IT BRING YOU JOY. Take stock. Watch the sunset. Smell the roses. Grow something. Get rid of all that shit you’ve told yourself you may need one day. Go out with friends. Plant a garden. Find friends. Reflect. Go out with that special someone. Play like a kid. Love your family. Find a family to love. Get a pet. Too many people are waiting. Let today be the day to look at what you’ve got and decide if it’s enough. Too much can happen to wait any longer to enjoy living. So, don’t wait until college or graduation or even when you’re apps are done. Kondo your life, reduce, reuse and recycle the rest.