Don't let yourself get comfortable ...

Lakme Caceres, who graduated in 2018, was burdened by a pretty serious case of social anxiety while she was in high school. I had her in class for two years, junior and senior, and I never would have guessed that she was struggling. I always assumed that she was just quiet and happy.

I’ve opened a few of these intros in this same way, and it occurs to me now that one of a few things is happening. One possibility is that I’m just really bad at picking up on the signs of anxiety, loneliness, depression, etc. This is certainly possible. Another possibility: we don’t give students enough chances to reflect in a classroom setting. Students have all that learning to do. They have to know how to write analytical essays and do impossible math problems and write up lab reports and conjugate verbs in a second language. When is there time for self-reflection?

I’m convinced we have to make time. We have to carve out hours, in English classes and other venues, for students like Lakme to be able to tell their stories and sort through their lives.

Lakme is working toward a degree in biology and a minor in astrobiology at the University of Arizona. She has developed a great love for the outdoors since going to Tucson and often finds herself exploring the mountains that surround the city and going on late night stargazing adventures. She works as a research assistant in the Social Insect Lab, where she studies the outcomes of ant colony competitions.

Here, Lakme writes about her struggles with crippling self-consciousness. “This post,” she said, “is about my struggle with social anxiety in high school and how I channeled this nervous energy into motivation for new friendships.”

- C.H.

I remember sitting in Dr. Besinger's office in 7th grade, rattling on about my issues at the time. She said to me something that made me angry at first. It was something like: “Your problems seem difficult, but remember that you have friends. A lot of the kids that come to me do not have that luxury.” I nodded my head, but inside I was shaken. I thought about what she said all day, grappling with the thought of these kids that had my same issues and no support group to surround themselves with.

Fast-forward to high school, when I slowly became one of those kids. I had some friends–they are still there for me to this day–but I kept them at a distance. I saw every social interaction as a new opportunity for me to embarrass myself. To this day, I’m not sure why I developed such a harmful mentality. But the negative self-talk and my tendency to internalize slowly consumed me. My self-confidence plummeted, and it showed in my performance in sports and academics. I convinced myself that things weren't going well because I just wasn't working hard enough, which gave me the perfect excuse to shut myself off from everyone. I spent more and more time avoiding social interaction, which I had falsely attributed as the culprit for my dwindling self-confidence.

Each day became an immense struggle to get out of bed, put on my clothes, and submit myself to the tedium of high school. I was always so anxious; I would go entire days without holding a conversation with anyone. I stopped seeing everything with hopeful eyes as I did when I was younger. Instead, my life became one of those horror movies where the protagonist gets trapped in a loop. The assignments and classes would change slightly, but otherwise, each day followed a torturous pattern: Alarm. Drive. Walk. Sit. Smile. Type. Smile. Sports. Drive. Work. Sleep. When I think of high school, I see these phrases in one big, grey blob. Nothing really stands out.

It took me three years of this and a few different psychiatrists before I accepted what was wrong. There were many things in my life that brought me joy: my family, sports, the beach, roller coasters, food. So why did I feel so consistently empty walking the halls of my school? After some deep self-reflection, I had to accept that I had done this to myself. When was the last time I reached out to my friends? Asked how they were doing? Shared my opinions? Engaged in small talk? Went to a club meeting?

Remaining isolated while I was surrounded by a community of teammates, coaches, teachers, and friends was completely my fault, but even when I came to understand the problem, I did not have the courage to fix it. My whole outlook on socialization was so twisted and I had no idea how to make it right. Once I got comfortable with isolation, it became so much harder to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. So I stopped trying. I let the anxiety take hold of my life. Four years of what should have been a time of growth and fun, ruined by fear.

To my elation, I graduated, left for college, changed my mindset, and in four months improved my life dramatically. I decided that I wouldn't let college be a waste of four years. I tried not to let myself get comfortable with my situation by forcing myself to join clubs and reach out to classmates I didn't know. I screamed at the top of my lungs at volleyball games and participated in the corny school-sponsored events. I joined a lab researching insects even though bumblebees give me the creeps. I’m not afraid of talking to strangers anymore and I feel much more incorporated with the world around me.

I fully embraced the discomfort of anxiety because the fear of falling back into that cycle of loneliness was so much worse. Everything hits harder when you don't have others to lighten the load of the emotional distress that you carry. Seeing people that love you every day keeps the little inconveniences and inadequacies from developing into something suffocating. College is difficult but everything feels so much lighter now.

I am very fortunate that my anxiety was rooted in a cause. Not many people can say that. My reluctance to develop personal relationships was clearly the source of my anxiety, so once I surmounted this obstacle, my social discomfort faded almost immediately. Because of this, my advice may not be applicable to everyone.

But to people struggling with a similar situation: if you stay on top of it—if you work to be social—it becomes easier. But you have to practice. Don’t let yourself get comfortable.