Five things I thought in high school that turned out not to be true ...

The 650 Words blog has been in existence for about six months now. For the last few weeks, I have been thinking that I should write a post in which I tally up all of the great wisdom of our many contributors. If you are a fan of Brainpickings, it might be something like the 10 Learnings in 10 Years post from Maria Popova.

I still might do that, but it occurred to me when I read Lauren Lillie’s post that she does something close here. Taking a clear-eyed look back at her high school experience, she offers her freshman self the kind of brutally honest advice that could only come after the general messiness of life experience. In doing so, she hits on some of the most common themes in the 650 retrospective universe: perfectionism, loneliness, and depression. She wishes she could have told her freshman self to chill out, take life as it comes, and enjoy the unpredictability of the journey.

Adult Lauren has certainly done that. Since graduating from high school in 2002, she studied film at Columbia and then worked as an assistant for filmmaker Jonathan Demme. After getting her MFA in directing from AFI (2011), she directed a number of short films and short-form content. Over the years, she has also worked a variety of odd jobs on the side, from hostessing/cocktail waitressing/bartending in New York to tutoring and teaching dance classes in LA. She has traveled a lot, especially in India, and recently dipped her toe into teaching film at Sarah Lawrence. At the moment, Lauren is working on her first feature film that she co-wrote and will direct (most likely shooting in 2019). Oh, she’s getting married in February, too.

In her essay, Lauren becomes a fly on the wall at her first high school assembly. “My post is reflecting back on what I wish I could've told myself in high school,” she said. “Of course, everyone needs different advice. Some students need to put their nose to the grindstone more, but that definitely wasn't my problem. I needed to allow myself to live my life and be kinder to myself in the process.”

- C. H.

On the first day of high school, the entire freshman class had to attend an orientation assembly. We were told, as part of a motivational speech, that everything we did here on out mattered. It would be “on our record.” This was intended as inspiration, but I took it as a threat. Want to make something of yourself in life? Don’t f up in the next four years.

In retrospect, this advice was not directed at me. I was hard enough on myself already. If I could, I’d tell my 14-year-old self to chill out. Continue to work hard -- but none of this matters as much as you think it does, in a wonderfully liberating way. I’d also tell her:

1. Your depressive tendencies are not an integral part of who you are. I know they feel innate because they’ve been there since you can remember and they’ve gotten a lot worse recently, but it’s a disease. It’s a dubious honor that you can hide how you’re feeling so well because people want to help you if you let them. And feeling less weighed down by sadness will not make you any less of an artist. Actually, your depression will stop you from taking risks that could propel your career forward. So if there’s any way you can fast forward many, many years to realizing you can tell your depression to GET LOST, do that.

2. Perfectionistic tendencies are not your friend. I know, I know…. Those tendencies serve you well in academia. They help you write meticulous essays and ace tests, but they also hold you back. Allow yourself to make mistakes and do things you’re bad at. Getting comfortable in that space will help you far more than you know. It doesn’t make you any less intelligent or talented to not be good at something the first or fifth or fiftieth time you try it. What matters most is putting in effort, and you’re better at that if you don’t beat yourself up for falling short of crazy high standards.

3. Speaking of crazy high standards, I know you love this quotation: “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you will land among the stars.” That’s kinda bullshit. Yes, work hard and put yourself out there – but you’ll never be happy if your standards for happiness are so unrealistic. Life is hard. You see that all around you, and will even more so in the years to come. Our society is not the meritocracy it often claims to be. There are so many factors in success (a dubious term to being with) that are beyond your control. If your life doesn’t follow the exact path you’ve mapped out for yourself in your daydreams (spoiler alert: of course it won’t), that doesn’t diminish what you have to celebrate and be grateful for.

4. One thing that seriously sucks about high school is that everyone is starting to pursue romance & dating. There are going to be a lot of dances where no one asks you to be his date. There will be even more dances where that slow song comes on and no one asks you to dance with him. None of this means that you are unloveable or unattractive. It means that high school is a bizarre popularity contest that fortunately doesn’t correlate to how people will treat to you in “real life.” Have fun dancing with your girlfriends and try not to cry so much because later, I promise, it will be fine. (Sidenote: props for choosing amazing friends. They’re going to be around for a long time to come.)

5. Going back to that whole “life not going according to plan” part… You want to
be an artist of sorts, right? A filmmaker, not a lawyer or a doctor? I have bad news for you. After college, there is NO PATH. You’re someone who excels when there are deadlines, tests, and grades, but you have chosen a career without any of that. I honestly don’t know what the answer is here because I’m still figuring it out. A lot of my peers have houses, 401(k)s and more stability than I do. As your biological clock ticks and you’re still figuring your life out, it will be tough. But you’ll remind yourself that you won’t ever wonder “what if” because you’re doing it.