The unapologetic embrace ...

Katherine Dews graduated from high school in 2017.  During her senior year, as a student in my Honors English 12 class, she produced a wonderful capstone project that featured a series of personal essays about her struggles with identity as a mixed race girl.  She told stories about her first day in school (“Why is Katherine dark-colored even though her mommy is light-colored?” a young girl asked), the strangeness of playing with white Barbies, her obsession with getting her hair straightened during Middle School, and the cumulative weight of all of the racist jokes she let pass over the years. “The process of writing about myself was a journey in itself,” she said afterward. “I was essentially showing myself how far I have come, and this gave me more confidence.”  Katherine returns to some of these themes here in this post. 

Katherine attends Occidental College in Los Angeles where she enjoys the California sunshine (see photo above). An active member of the Black Student Association, she plans to study abroad next year but she’s not sure where.  Her latest project is developing a mentor program that specifically supports black girls at the school.  

Here, Katherine offers up some sage advice to her young self (see photo below).  “My post is a letter to me at 16, and it contains tips, pleas, and instructions on making it through high school as a mixed race girl.”

- C.H. 

Dear 16-year-old Self,

I vividly remember being you.

I remember that 16 feels so old and that 16 feels as though everyone is paying attention to you. I hate to break it to you, but they really aren’t. They are all just as focused on themselves as you are on yourself. So, as this letter contains what seems like instructions, remember that if you neglect one or many of them, no one will think of you as a failure at growing up. Mistakes are inevitable.

While remembering that mistakes are inevitable, take a breath. Your teachers will not think any less of you if your essay gets a B+ instead of an A-. I’m starting this letter on the topic of academics, because I know you place a lot of pressure on yourself about this topic. Motivation in this area is truly a gift, but making “good” grades a big part of your identity can become a dangerous thing. These A’s seem like the yellow brick road to the perfect college, but your perfect college will show itself to you in ways that have nothing to do with grades. This will require patience, as it might take a few more months than expected.

As you go through high school, make the bold decision to go about each school day without trying to please, or appease, everyone. This tendency might have come from the different sides of your heritage, but you should look into the mirror and unapologetically embrace the fact that you are both black and white. Go to Umoja and speak up when you want to. I know it seems as though actively going to the Black student club will isolate you from the rest of the school, but that space of solidarity and support is way more important than your effort of blending in. This relates to my next point: you need to call out every white person who says the n-word. Always. You don’t have to join in on bold protests yet, and you don’t even have to call your senator yet, as I know that these kinds of things would be a lot to ask of a 16-year-old mixed girl who grew up trying to be as similar as she could to her white friends. But speaking up whenever you hear the n-word is a good starting point. It’s like getting your foot in the door, and it reminds you of who you are. You don’t have to show up to first period with your natural hair, yet, but you do have to tell your “friends” to cool it on the racial slurs. I know it makes you mad, so say something.

Don’t worry so much about pleasing everyone. Instead, try to remember that you already are loved. You don’t need to go out of your way in order to feel useful to someone, in fear that once you aren’t useful to them that they’ll ignore you. You don’t need to agree to go out with someone who you don’t even like for fear of never being liked again. You especially don’t need to stay around a boy whose friends call him “lover of the blacks” because of you, or make jungle fever jokes when you hold hands with him, or explain to you how he’s not racist because he thinks you’re hot. I know it’s hard because it seems like this is the only option, but you have way more alternatives than you could possibly know. Romantic love will come and go more frequently than you think, but your platonic relationships hold the love that you need the most at this moment. It will stay this way for a while.

I will end by staying on the subject of love, but I wanted to remind you how much your family loves you, and how lucky you are to have such a family. The age of 16 is a wild one for parent relationships, so try your best to go easy on them. They’re just trying to keep you from danger; they’re not trying to ruin your plans of being super cool in your sophomore year. It helps to thank your lucky stars that you have such a good connection with your mom, dad, and sister. Hang in there.

With love,
Your 20-year-old self